we lost a friend

we lost a great friend that day. i remember you gathering up her things in no certain order. trying to make brave through distraught moments. i remember shuddering hearing about the scene. gathering boxes and getting the yard in order. trying to look busy in a show of empathy or solidarity or however you want to think about it. i remember her at my house one night. playing with my cat putting tape on her paws. i remember a pro/con list and future plans. i remember being on the list of the last round of calls. not totally knowing why. but not being surprised when you called about what had happened. i'm sorry that i didn't always understand the dynamics. it's so easy to simplify things to your own meaning. you don't realize how things change and what your friends need. life marches on until it stops somewhere or with someone. it takes so much to take notice. i remember you shouldering so much of the weight of that moment. i don't think she would have wanted it that way. i've been in so many fucked up situations before. but i can't imagine being you during that time. i remember the funeral awkwardly surreal. like an act of appeasement and all of the politics surrounding it. i see you now and it makes me happy. that you still have a shred of your sanity left. i know how hard it is to keep it even with nothing going on. i don't think enough about her and you and those times of the past. it's so easy to be numb to things in life. it's like the last line of defense to things beyond your control. the sun shone so bright those few days. conflicted with the darkness that was cast. it hasn't shone that bright since. i know that it hasn't.