Hidden Partner II- Resolute

To see you in shards of glass. Tears are fragments of the moment. Unable to reach out to you. My touch falls faintly into the chasm. Without presence and with meaning lost. From one world to the next. A distance of insurmountable longing. From reaching the summit at the bottom of the mountain. Alights in my golden view. Of the steps that light the floor. The black straps of your night shirt. In the scent that you leave behind.

The ghosts that stare back at me. Photographs from so long ago. Faces lit with the longing anticipation. Of embarking upon a journey. Not the distractions of keeping the course. With casualties inflicted upon warm hearts. We look around to measure what is left. And what we can take with us. I measure the magnitude of longing with distance. Your softness lives there with me still. And projects in the lifted weight of your eyes. Shifting across the spectrum.

Hidden Partner

voices carry into the canyon and echo. a lonely landscape that's more like a mirror. i'll communicate my words with you like i write this blog. words put out there maybe someday they'll be found. analyzed, cared for, responded to. the vacant pain just turns to numbness. resolved to move forward in a covert manner. i have a medium to document sensations. but no nerves to actually feel them.

Your Key Holds The SHit!

please take me out of this. hey you hold onto your dreams. like currency that must be spent before it goes to shit. we'll take any offer that our lender will accept. total destruction is so much more interesting. than wringing hands over the desecration. rationalize it now and then and bury yourself. it all comes home to roost one day. with seething anger at the circle. sorry but it works that way for everyone.

Constant Rewrite

hanging on to pieces of you like shards of glass. my nails dig into the grit and dirt. shifting away from strange faces. stumbling out of a strange place. we all wait to see our injuries. that moment of impact your mind freezes. a flicker or a spark of courage. to look down and see the gruesome detail. blood flows like memories both bright and dark. as vivid as the day you watched yourself. being led over over the brow. or being fed the pill.

desecration

total desecration. it's what it is right now. night after night in spades. a desperation broadcast. we all know it and we see it. those who read between the lines. don't need it spelled out.

not to paint with broad strokes. watching from afar. ripening for the bleeding. exist within the sphere. rotations tune inward. projection betrays motive. it's more than who you are.

old friends

i didn't get your call. i missed your musings altogether. now we just drop out of sight. rather than risk crossing paths. i'm still waiting for a note. a move up the chain. yanking the screen down. an exposure of disarray. you make me feel so dull. incomplete like a puzzle makes no sense. just drop right off the page. until something real comes around. circling back around once more. only false consolation. eras die off like ancestors. the ghosts crown my mind.

drastic holds

i take drastic holds. holding onto weird ideas and inanimate objects. not really getting at anything. just saying that if you want to catch me. i probably will not have strayed too far away. people i've known are like satellites revolving around.and some have lost their reception.

scheduled outage

scheduled outage my heart aches for it. broken fingers can't take the pain. sightlines abstracted clouds and sun. i am sorry but i don't want to be there. walking into a room with chains. those moments were never the same. you branded my ass with a twisted iron. i am shifting shapelessly away from you. the shrill voice of violence shreds. you down the spine and twists instead of tugs. you never forget that kind of shit.

bone structure

those moments standing so close. peering into the crevices and the lines come alive. sitting and watching wayward lines shifting. they told me everything that i need to know about you. like a child's face with so much uncertainty. we knew so little except what was coming. when your face bore a glow it showed. something too vital to restrain. i was an observer but not an active participant.

it's looking like chocolate kiss (www.myspace.com/chocolatekissatl) will be getting back together for a 1-off show in atlanta in july. bob had a plane ticket credit and wanted to use it to fly in from san diego for a show. the last time we played was in august of 2003.

we were a hard sell when we were together, but i think a few more people around town have appreciated us in the years since. i am really looking forward to getting back and playing the songs again. it's probably my favorite and the most satisfying music that i have been a part of.

it will be the full lineup with bass. we're looking at the earl on july 9th. if you've ever told me that you'd come out to one of my shows before, i'll be looking for you there.

Collector

after so many years it's clear. the reactions don't quite measure up. don't quite equal what formed the mold. moments are shadows gathering behind us. we stake our lives and our identities to them. dark shades of gray telling lies. you told me so much. little stories are self fulfilling prophecies. every moment of your mind is wrapped in cynicism. strangling.

last show

sonn av krusher's last show in friday night at drunken unicorn. maybe my last show ever. i like to say that whenever a band ends for me. i put my psyche into bands so the last thing i want to think about when they end is doing it again. who knows? it will be a good night though. us and hell comes to town and g.g. king (ex- carbonas). come on out and bring yer earplugs...

Television Soundtrack

watching the pictures on tv. going out with no sound. life illustrated so clearly. these are my most private moments. i am sitting on a plane. i wish i had the window seat. this moment so turbulent. i know it is certain death.

next to you again. i told you i had my fortune read. and i was told again and again. that the world does not move fast enough to hide its flaws

riding through the city. all day with no direction. i am stuck with these people. in the middle of their conversations. the least comfortable seat. like bullshit scraping the chalkboard. they should fucking take me home. if they want to do me favors. why don't you do me a favor?

i watched it happen. doors that closed behind them. is this your intimacy? or the shit you dragged behind you? did your world move fast enough. to keep your shit from dragging the ground?

~the world does not move fast enough to hide its flaws~

for my sister

as deep and as wide as the hole in my heart is. as much as the loss that i share. you've shown me the way of release and unlocked. something in that badge that i carried. and the anger that was attached. in your confrontation of so much greater depths. you showed me that there's something greater. in death you give the gift of new life. release.

highway 27

driving so deliberately through the morning fog. star flies circled around my sight. breaking into the brilliant bleak sunshine. slowing down into new worlds. stopping and hearing birds sing made me want to stay. or at least roll the windows down to hear them.

i thought about all the times that i could have taken someone home. but was too blind or stupid or afraid. i thought about being mixed up and coming out again. a metamorphosis into enlightenment in the scope of a few miles. the new beauty of a forgotten place puts things into perspective.

a wanting for something bigger than the sphere around my head. taking myself back with music. getting myself back with a song. i wished that i had someone to share some thoughts. there's something about the way the light hits the landscape in the morning. there's something comforting about seeing this for miles ahead.

there's something about the way the miles are counting down. like your life running out of time. there's no time like the present to be so lonely. the wiser we get the harder it is to talk about it. like how two people sit in silence. like cats together with intersecting lines of sight.

the tears only come when you're alone. they're so fortified and held in tight. but released by something as simple as "the creation story". or "let it be". i can think of a few words to live by. i can see the road ahead and i'm happy to get to where i am going.

ancient position

i'm stuck here in this ancient position. the world keeps moving away from me. ways that i had fashioned myself sinking into the muck (or rising through). envisioning a fire burning away any chance that i had to redeem it (or see it through). erosion is happening every day and all the time. the landscape that i see the sun drift away over. is wrecked through the fumes. i can't quite get there to collect the ruins or survey the damage. all that i have are some used ideas about some place where i could have been. seeing life through the photographs. expressions marked like words in a book. this isn't a vision. as much as a commentary.

am/are a shadow

i am a shadow whose darkness recasts around my face when i speak

we are a shadow living in shades that gray what we once were

the day is a mountain so high we can't take the time to walk around it

the light is a dimming field as our eyes are closing

memories are moments spent never to be played again

steps are footprints vanishing there is no hope to retrace them

roads are traveled fast and then they turn onto blockades

the screen is a projection too convenient to ignore

the nights are like mortuaries for our increments of time

our sleep holds the meaning and our dreams hold the mourning

priorities are asteroids colliding around our universe

or standing like giant fortresses protecting grating nerves

passageway

i'm a spirit in the passageway. appearing and watching from afar. the gathering of angels singing over your head. the weeping of our brothers and sisters at your bed. held up like a state of suspension. a display of colors and cloudless sky. a comforting blue that soothes the pain both within and without. we talk about those memories and conversations. the idiosyncrasies that are both loved and mocked. like only a family can define. do continue to live and breathe.

countdown to extinction

sonn av krusher is playing our second to last show leading up to an "extended hiatus". the show is friday night in athens. i really don't know anyone in athens right now other than phil dwyer, who i haven't seen in years... so hopefully he can make it out. subrig destroyer is an amazing band, kind of like underground metal's answer to lungfish. i'm looking forward to the night, with the exception of the drive home from athens.

We're All Monsters

we are all monsters here- out to destroy each other- looking for holes in the surroundings- breaking from the inside-sickness!-

you are someone else's thought- lying there all broken and bleeding- give us a chance to catch our breath- wait for someone to pick you up-

all there in pieces marked with- labels and categories- claws tear and reassign- you are nothing without subtitles-

we will wait right here- we will destroy ourselves- before we take a step around you- we will stomp you into pieces-

and don't know that you are being picked apart? why don't you know that you are being picked apart?

listening for too long- bite your tongue until it bleeds- selective response- you are being torn apart-

what you have in hiding- unspoken but always there- all words now are true- we want to give them back to you-

dragged in

here we are assessing the damage. naivete unrestrained and vigorous. has brought everything down in flames. i'm really just an observer. a little scarred and a little smarter. not dead but not really living.

a small part

a small part of something quasi-real
a small part of a wide net cast
a small part of the collateral damage
~oh what a flame-out it was~
this is something we can all be proud of
a small part was the first to fall off
a small part that just scraped against the ground
phone in your disgust
feign your cold despair.
encapsulated with the numb black air
lie in a coffin
and wait for the world to begin again.

s.s. ship sec

let's handle this with careful measure. consider this moment one of many. let's guage the temperature and the controls. and hand the reigns to new identities. you shed you step behind the tide. i remake ways that i go forward. submerged in details filling space. compiling blank lines and rewriting them. the pen just moves and speaks and flows. translating some passage that was and always is. coming through the screen or through the air. mining the lines of your face. that door defines us walk on through. that bridge was laid to speak to you. the depth is staggering it shakes your faith. lie or fall or walk across.

toward

toward i'm leaving. toward i'm moving. toward i'm falling. toward i'm running. toward i'm crawling. toward i'm looking. toward i'm angling. toward i'm shaping.

moderation.

conversationalist

i'm an alien to this conversation. arriving just in time to leave behind. i couldn't believe this dialogue. i couldn't believe the mirage that eyes had settled upon. moving forward lurching sickly toward. some tired mantra some tape recorder. stuck in playback eating up the tape. i'm not a believer in words. yours or mine just vanish in time. meaningless to all eternity. our bodies are like pieces of paper. cut out of a mill and rolled and bleached and thrown away.

1.10.09

sonn av krusher played this past saturday night at drunken unicorn. i've been playing music off and on for 20 years, this was one of those shows that makes it all worthwhile. we played with three great local bands- subrig destroyer, whores, hell comes to town- each band brought something unique to the table and played really well. a good crowd too, thanks to everyone involved. and many thanks to laurie holcombe for the rad photos.

layin' down theremin and tambourine during 'i left my heart in san francisco bay'

layin' it down thick

heavy metal hammer of hate- 'destroy resurgens'

james and gray gettin heavy


more theremin craziness.












SUBRIG DESTROYER- heavy mesmerizing bass & drum doom drone.

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WHORES- steamrolled post-heaviness




HELL COMES TO TOWN- mean, nasty- street thrash

i left my heart in san francisco bay

standing over the edge of the widest chasm- a body to careen without control- eyes swollen with tears of rememberence- it's so calm and deep and clean-

but there are no clean breaks- but we already knew- the air with a numb chill- but we already knew-

brilliant blue looks down from above- all thickness but clean and dry- on a cold and solitary figure- afraid of the depths below-

feet sewn to the ground- but we already knew- the air it breathes for you- but we already knew-

waste high in deep panarama- life moves forward below your feet- unswollen and unspoken depths- all calm in its frenzy

opaque

non-verbal communication. non-written non-spoken. worn on the lines under my eyes. worn in my silence. i built up a wall to shield myself from you. i put the thoughts, the frustrations, the anger, the sadness, the hope. into a plastic bag to recycle and reuse. not sure at which point the most important things. became the least talked about. but priorities mount against cleansing moments. and we all just shift into neutral i guess.

drunken unicorn sat 1.10

we're actually going on second. it should be a rollicking good time!

liberation

at the age of 34, i've finally come to the realization that my self worth is in no way tied to the amount of cd's and records that i have in my possession.

two things happened that helped this realization come to fruition; one of those things was the advent of digital music and the ability to load music onto my computer and ipod, and the other was the birth of my youngest son. the former lead me to put like 800 plus CD's (with still more to go) onto my ipod, and the latter caused me to convert my beloved office into a baby bedroom last year. the cd's were moved to the basement... out of site out of mind. it's alot easier to have them on this little device that you can carry around anywhere you go.

anyway, the desire to take a trip to california for a week this summer with my oldest son (who is graduating from high school), and the less than desirable condition of my finances, has led me to concoct a scheme to sell off about 60 to 70% of my cd's to raise the money to go. that along with what is left of my records and some old punk/hardcore/emo memorobilia from the early 90's. amazon.com for the cd's and ebay for everything else.

i've sold 44 cd's in 6 days, averaging about $4 net profit per cd. i've got bids on ebay for some of my records and old 'zines. so i'm off to a good start. i want to move at least 500 cd's over the next 3 to 4 months. it's a bitch to box 9 or 10 up a day, but i guess it's a labor of love at this point. oh, and in case your curious, metal cd's tend to hold their value better than any other genre.